Self Sabotaging

 Teenagers do that.

Adults? We are expected to be rational to use logic to make decisions that is best suited for the situation- a solution which either solves the problems or second to best, decreases its intensity. 

My last relationship ended four years ago- ex moved on by getting into another one. I, on the other hand, had my life shattered in pieces, spread like a mess aimlessly across the empty space of my mind and heart. It took me all these four years to collect my pieces, cleanse them, repair them and fix them back together. I think that is where I went wrong. I should have purchased new pieces altogether. 

I saved his number, searched through my older google photos, went through screenshots and saved it so that I could wish him a happy birthday tomorrow. How stupid is that? Within an hour of saving his contact number, his status update showed up. It's just a contact number and he has mine saved. It does not matter it has been four goddamn years. He is happy with his girl. And I am happy. Alone. 

They say we attract what we want. I really did want a fake boyfriend, some love, a lot of lust. I got it. It's not wrong for me to conclude that I always get what I really want. Stop hating him. Stop caring about what he does. Move on. Stop expecting him to tell you you are important. He loved you. For real. 

He is a liar and somehow I want him to lie. My current guy does not even bother to reply to my text. I got pissed off and deleted his chat, his photos as well as his contact number. I am weird like that. STOP MAKING UP FALSE SCENARIOS IN YOUR HEAD AND BIRTHING UNACHIEVEABLE EXPECTTATIONS. 

Is this because of lockdown? Yes.

Am I in a position to handle a new relationship? No.

Do I want to go back to my ex? No.

What do I want? DRAMA.

Is it worth putting my mental peace at risk for? No, but I think I can handle a little spice.

Do I have feelings for my current guy? Yes, a little. Ah, no. 

Am I in love with him? No.

Should I talk to ex beyond thank you? Absolutely NOT. He may be indifferent with my presence but I still have not reached a place where I could be comfortable with him having access to me.

Self sabotaging you see- when you are slowly transitioning from a teenager to an adult, your teenage self tells you to go ahead and cause the destruction, but your adult self knows better. It knows how difficult it is to glue yourself back together once you get broken. The adult takes care to not do anything to add more to it's stress of handling the teenagerish urges of destructive plans. 

I was having this hunch- that I am very close to fucking certain things up. I did it again. Zoned out. I dont want to be my guy's fuck girl. That is not me. UGH. Not really sure if this will keep me from fucking up. I will apparently have to start watchin Grey's till I find the zeal to start studying for GATE. I will be applying. Possibly tomorrow. So today is the last day to do anything weird that would give me a kick. The very last day of creating mess.

THE VERY VERY VERY VERY LAST ACT OF SELF SABOTAGING. (Okay not today, 25th Sept 2020, but you just gotta get the feels, yeah?)

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