To Not Be A Teen

 I have been single for four years now. Single in the sense that I have not fallen in love to found someone who would fall in love with me since thaaaat long. All the guys I have come across fall into one or all of these categories: a. not looking for anything serious b. do not see me more than a friend c. belong to another state, and meet someone real d. want sex e. not ready for commitment f. not over their exes I have been looking or love in all the places. But I discussed this issue with my brother, who said, those who are actually ready for serious relationships do no go looking for it. It finds them. Love finds you. The wand chooses the wizard, Harry. The wand decides if you are worthy. Those who want to be in love, make themselves worthy of it. They do not waste their time and energy chasing it, rather they invest it all in self growth so that when the right person comes, they are ready to grow together. That love, that right person is the black swan. The probability of finding

 Teenagers do that. Adults? We are expected to be rational to use logic to make decisions that is best suited for the situation- a solution which either solves the problems or second to best, decreases its intensity.  My last relationship ended four years ago- ex moved on by getting into another one. I, on the other hand, had my life shattered in pieces, spread like a mess aimlessly across the empty space of my mind and heart. It took me all these four years to collect my pieces, cleanse them, repair them and fix them back together. I think that is where I went wrong. I should have purchased new pieces altogether.  I saved his number, searched through my older google photos, went through screenshots and saved it so that I could wish him a happy birthday tomorrow. How stupid is that? Within an hour of saving his contact number, his status update showed up. It's just a contact number and he has mine saved. It does not matter it has been four goddamn years. He is happy with his girl.

 On 15th, I decided to spend my day in a productive way. The night before, I went to sleep early. I woke up early. I meditated, exercised, studied, chilled, studied and yada yada according to my schedule and trust me when I say it felt great. It was not on point, but the fact that I spent atleast one productive day in a span of six months made me really happy. It's 17th today and I woke up late due to bad sleep last night, needless to say. failed to follow schedule and ended up writing here to let go of my sadness.  It takes 21 days to build up a habit- twenty one.  I followed my schedule for one day, that too with a  LOT of self motivation. Waking up early is the key actually. I will try to study today damn. If I skip my afternoon sleep then only I will be able to sleep before 2. Also, my vocabulary has become so horrifying diminished and I seriously need to do something to enrich it again.  What I realized is, temporary happiness often results in distraction from your goals. Now,

 I was chatting with my bud, and she said, "It's really sad", as a response to a series of "Wow, xyz" that I was shooting at her and I was like- "No. Sad is so mainstream and teenager-ish. We are adults. We do Wow." Now,  I really do not know (or care) if that makes any sense to others but these days everything that happens leaves me with a "Wow". It's like Wow has replaced what used to be 'Fuck' before. At least for me. I am writing this blog, with complete faith that no one would actually bother to read this, hence, it is going to be filled with complete honesty.  There is an entirely different vibe about having not to worry about critics and feedback and pouring your thoughts out into a blank screen. Eventually words turn into sentences and the blank white screen has black lines filling up it's voids and that's...... Wow? That's what I feel like. My brain too is like this white screen and whatever you input, it just